Don't pinch my nerves. I'm not asleep.


   

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Nov 4, 2004
she

She flips through todays newspaper-skimming words. Not reading.
Shes doodling on  napkins-her emotions exploding through her fingertips.
Shes sipping coffee-the taste burning her taste buds.



 

Posted at 10:08 pm by luvmecrazy
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Oct 17, 2004
Fooled.

You thought I’d be there for you,
At your time of need,
Running running to me.
It’s a shame but I see right through you.
Your eyes tell so many lies.
Did you think I was going to
Save you?
I’m playing this game,
Stronger than you know.
Did you really think I was going to
Watch your back,
Catch you when you fell?
I’m playing you like a wind up car.
It’s a shame,
You thought you had me fooled,
You played with my insecurities
But baby,
I got you fooled.
I’m a brick wall,
An angel dying to get out.
I’m a keeper of love and life.
I have no insecurities.


Posted at 07:41 pm by luvmecrazy
Comments (3)  

Oct 16, 2004
Thoughts Of Mine.

I'm crazy and I know that.  I don't want to sit still.  I like to keep moving.  I love to smile, i love to laugh and i love to be happy. Im a free spirit.  I'm down to earth.  I'm relaxed-laid back.  Im fun.  I love to dance.  I hate to be serious but that doesnt mean  i dont know how and when to be.  I find it hard to trust people. 


There's this girl
I know.
She smiles so much,
at times it seems fake.
But it's not.

She laughs so much,
shes a child at heart.
People say shes immature.
She is.

why waste time in a suite,
carry on brief case?

She dances with the sun,
the moon.
She dances for herself.
Silly she is, she always stops to breathe.

Moving fast,
driving and running.
Its a talent of hers.

She's realxed,
laid back.
Some say too much.

She doesnt play it safe
and she doesnt sugar coat lies.
shes real,
thats just how she comes.

(just some thoughts of mine)
Love, Ashlyn. /04

Posted at 06:40 pm by luvmecrazy
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Oct 8, 2004
She Never Felt The Love Of A Man

She Never Felt The Love Of A Man

She holds her cigarettes
Because she can't light them.
The bottles are all empty.
The rims lined with year old
lip stick.
The kind of red, that only grandmothers wore-
to smuther their grandchildren.
Her spit absorbed into the bottles.
Taking in her sorrow.

It's way past dark-
and the busses don't run.
She stands on the street-
in the wrong kind of neighborhood.
She waves to the taxi's with her $10 bill-
Nobody stops.  She is alone-
In the wrong kind of neighborhood.

The people curled up by trash cans,
point-
they laugh.
Mumbling words only the devil could have made.
She can't help but hear every word they say-
she's no better than them.

The rich old men drive by-
their thousand dollar cars
smirking and winking in her direction.
She knew why they winked.  Why they smirked.

She was dressed for a posh party,
Her hair flowing with the wind,
Her Boots to her knees
and her heels almost too high to walk.
Her make up-tear stained.
They thought she was cheap.
That'd she'd fake a romance just for a dollar.

But she'd faked enough romances-
the bottles that covered her floor-
her one bedroom apartment
proved just that.

As she walked-almost sprinting,
she blinked away tears.
Grasping her sweater around her chest.
Her fingers now stained cold.
She was down in the dumps-
ready to give into the nights sorrow.

A taxi pulled over.
Without a word she sat.
on the frozen black rubber.
"Where to?" He asked, though secretely
she read his thoughts. 
The way he looked at her-she knew.
He knew she knew too.
She gave him her adress, though she knew it was a mistake.
No man could be trusted.

He tried to make conversation-
he didnt get the hint with her one answer remarks.
She didnt want to talk.
She set the cash in the palm of his hand-
he grabbed her hand. Uncomforted by his act.
"Have a good night Miss." he said.
She tugged away and he let her loose.
Watching her walk to the building.
Praying he would just leave.
But he didnt.
She fumbled with the lock. 
Finally she got through and walked inside.
She didnt move till she heard the door close and locked.
She never turned her back- just didnt move.
As she entered her apartment.
She ran to the window and peeked down to the under-lit street.
the taxi now gone.

She took a deep breath.
Dropped her coat to the floor-
opened another bottle.
She couldnt trust men but her booze-
always trusted her.
comforted her.
loved her.
The way a real man never would.

Posted at 05:26 pm by luvmecrazy
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He was her star.

She calls in the lonely light of a shadowed lamp post,
The moon is down.
He once told her she had a star.
As they sat that night,
In the cofee house.
A friend who always brought her happiness.
In a couple of days past now,
He'll be gone.
they'll write for days,
   then forget
STop.
They will fade away.
Like the empty cups left at the coffee house.
that night.
They will be left with a taste,
melting their lips away.

As she will lay on her bed,
Playing his songs again and again,
   through her head.
She will replay their conversations,
Drive so fast,
   so no one will touch her.
Following her star
eventually she will be led back
to where she belongs.
Laying in his bed.

Posted at 04:28 pm by luvmecrazy
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Hands Down.

Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down

Breathe in for luck
Breathe in so deep
This air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth
as they graze mine
we're doing fine.
we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high
that your kiss might kill me.
So wont you kill me,
So I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
whichever you prefer.

the words are hushed lets not get busted.
Just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions,
"Hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close, they cant hear...
so we can get some.

My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So wont you kill me,
So i die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
whichever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remeber,
I'll always remeber the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized its so late
and this walk that we shared together.
the streets were wet
and the gate was locked so i jumped it,
and i let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
and i knew that you meant it.
that you meant it
that you meant it
and i knew
that you meant it
that you meant it.



Posted at 12:23 pm by luvmecrazy
Comments (1)  

Cheaters.

So, The other night I was catching up on my sixth season of Sex and The City and it got me thinking.  Why do boyfriends/ girlfriends cheat on their partners?  Is it because they fall out of love and are too afraid to admit it to their partner.  Is it that they just need more than one partner to feed their sexual needs.  I mean honestly.. What is it that could possibly make a person want to cheat!!! What is it!!! What could possibly make a person feel that they need to cheat.  Maybe they dont even realize all of the pain they are putting upon the other person or maybe they want to hurt the other person. 


Posted at 11:31 am by luvmecrazy
Comments (2)  

Oct 2, 2004
Greatest Ad Ever.

Greatest Ad EVER

(Dear John)

"Dear john,

Guess what john... I've moved on
to something RICHER & SMOOTHER.
Quite frankly john, this cream
satisfies me A LOT more than
you ever did... day or night!"

Posted at 10:16 pm by luvmecrazy
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Oct 1, 2004
Madness Of A Love Train

Swinging from a branch, In the wind.
The telephone rings, inside.
   I hear it,                  because i'm waiting for it.
I'm waiting for a telephone call.
                                  from you.
Run inside,
   grasp it off the hook.
Breath.
Force a cough.
   clear.
"Hello!"
Anxiously and nervous,
palms sweating,
head aching.
SILENCE.
                     "hello.."
I hear the other line click.
My tears bleed through to my heart.
It was you.
I know it.
But you're still too afriad
                           
                           ADMIT YOU LOVE ME.
It's not a game and i'm not that blind.
   I beg you to be blunt.
Love me
Hurt me
      but i need
   NEED
an answer.
Feed my soul.

Wait!

The phone is ringing.
I watch it.
   two
      three
         four
Ok, Ok,
answer the god damn phone.
"Hello."
SILENCE
That's it.
Fuck you.
   I think but never say.  As i pull away from myself, so close to the phone base, i pause. Breathe.


"hey.."
I pull back.
My fingers are trembling and i cant see through my tear stained glasses.
"Hello."

CLICK.

That's all.  I don't understand.  I hate him.
      I hate this.
I grasp the phone to my heart.
Breathing so loudly.

I can hear my heart crying.

Collapse to the floor. It's just not fair. I'm not this weak.  Why cant he just love me back? 
I'm not that un-lovable, Am I?
Are my insecurties really that. Ugly?
I'm independent.          Arent I?
                  Crying is a waste.

I stand up.
      Walking to the door.  I can escape to the world.  Start all new again.  This Is My New Beginning.  Watch out! I'm comming out a New Woman. 
   Two steps
         Three
            Four.

My hands are trembling
                                                   but
I stop them.  I grip myself and give myself strength.
Closed eyes,            I open the door.
One Step over the curb
               Open both eye lids.

He's there.
   "I love you."
The tears fall from his eyes. 

   And I find my strength.
Loving him is my greatest weakness
Loving me is my greatest strength.

I fall again.  This time,                     not alone. 


Madness Of A Love Train. -Ashlyn.

Posted at 11:40 pm by luvmecrazy
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Part 1 of Ashlyn's Thoughts.

You don't know how lovely you are.  I have to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart.  Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions.  Lets take it back to the start. 

Like a cheesy love song written after a broken heart mends, He called.  He didn't really know what to say, just called to listen to me breathing.  Most people would find our relationship akward, but we never did.  Breathing led to some of our most memorable conversations.  He meant a lot to me.  Always impowering me.  Making me stronger by accepting my weakness.  Loving my insecurities.  In fact, we bounced our insecurities off of each other.  Maybe, that is why we grew apart.  We needed each other so badly that we pushed our love aside.  Well I'm thinking and I know it's about a year too late now to reflect on our relationship.  A little too late to re-collect.  It's even too late to deal.  I just need to embrace and go.  Not even "Move on."  Just soak into my pores and stay alive.

I know he used to write songs about me.  Sitting in his damp, cluttered room, smelling of dirty sex and day old pizza.  He never wrote for himself.  In fact, he greatly lacked writting from his heart.  He wrote with his brain.  Which is a shame, because he wrote what I wanted to hear.  He was too blunt, too ovbious, and I noticed.  He wrote in moments of anxiety.  He wrote just words.  Without meaning.  They never moved me.  It always upset me how these beautiful words soaked right through my body and disapeared into the back of my mind. 

I put my glasses on my head, out of my eyes.  They make my vision weaker.  Suppose to make it stronger but its just a disguise.  Make me look like somebody else.  Your looking into a blurry vision of what i see.  Without my glasses, do you see what i'm looking at?  Of course not.  Because I'm not even looking at anything at all.  It's weird that way, eh?  Having eyes, but not seeing.  Or maybe I can see and choose not to.  But why would anyone want to miss seeing what this world has to offer?  Personally life has too many drama queens, media crazed persons, we all buy into images and names.  The killings are nothing less than horrifing.  I can't sleep anymore.  I cant stay awake anymore.  Im loosing my sanity.  Maybe I'm being over dramatic.  But that's kind of just how I am.  Overdramatic in a weak way.  I see everything but I find it so hard to remeber the good.  What once made me happy are the things that bring me to tears every time i open my eyes.

She died months ago.  The most beautiful girl this world has ever seen.  She was what everyone wanted to be. She had the heart of heaven.  She always forgave, always loved, always shared.  Everyone that has known her at a point in time, holds her in their eyes.  A girl like that doesnt walk out of your life without shattering everything left in you.  I just miss you so much.  I just wish I could see you one more time and tell you that this world will always love you and that you were nothing less than perfect.  Your gone and that's scary because its hard to believe days pass without you.  You made life worth living for. 

Part 1 of Ashlyn's Thoughts.

Posted at 08:57 pm by luvmecrazy
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