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Oct 2, 2004
Greatest Ad EVER
(Dear John)
"Dear john,
Guess what john... I've moved on
to something RICHER & SMOOTHER.
Quite frankly john, this cream
satisfies me A LOT more than
you ever did... day or night!"
Posted at 10:16 pm by luvmecrazy
Permalink
Oct 1, 2004
Swinging from a branch, In the wind.
The telephone rings, inside.
I hear it, because i'm waiting for it.
I'm waiting for a telephone call.
from you.
Run inside,
grasp it off the hook.
Breath.
Force a cough.
clear.
"Hello!"
Anxiously and nervous,
palms sweating,
head aching.
SILENCE.
"hello.."
I hear the other line click.
My tears bleed through to my heart.
It was you.
I know it.
But you're still too afriad
ADMIT YOU LOVE ME.
It's not a game and i'm not that blind.
I beg you to be blunt.
Love me
Hurt me
but i need
NEED
an answer.
Feed my soul.
Wait!
The phone is ringing.
I watch it.
two
three
four
Ok, Ok,
answer the god damn phone.
"Hello."
SILENCE
That's it.
Fuck you.
I think but never say. As i pull away from myself, so close to the phone base, i pause. Breathe.
"hey.."
I pull back.
My fingers are trembling and i cant see through my tear stained glasses.
"Hello."
CLICK.
That's all. I don't understand. I hate him.
I hate this.
I grasp the phone to my heart.
Breathing so loudly.
I can hear my heart crying.
Collapse to the floor. It's just not fair. I'm not this weak. Why cant he just love me back?
I'm not that un-lovable, Am I?
Are my insecurties really that. Ugly?
I'm independent. Arent I?
Crying is a waste.
I stand up.
Walking to the door. I can escape to the world. Start all new again. This Is My New Beginning. Watch out! I'm comming out a New Woman.
Two steps
Three
Four.
My hands are trembling
but
I stop them. I grip myself and give myself strength.
Closed eyes, I open the door.
One Step over the curb
Open both eye lids.
He's there.
"I love you."
The tears fall from his eyes.
And I find my strength.
Loving him is my greatest weakness
Loving me is my greatest strength.
I fall again. This time, not alone.
Madness Of A Love Train. -Ashlyn.
Posted at 11:40 pm by luvmecrazy
Permalink
Part 1 of Ashlyn's Thoughts.
You don't know how lovely you are. I have to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart. Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions. Lets take it back to the start.
Like a cheesy love song written after a broken heart mends, He called. He didn't really know what to say, just called to listen to me breathing. Most people would find our relationship akward, but we never did. Breathing led to some of our most memorable conversations. He meant a lot to me. Always impowering me. Making me stronger by accepting my weakness. Loving my insecurities. In fact, we bounced our insecurities off of each other. Maybe, that is why we grew apart. We needed each other so badly that we pushed our love aside. Well I'm thinking and I know it's about a year too late now to reflect on our relationship. A little too late to re-collect. It's even too late to deal. I just need to embrace and go. Not even "Move on." Just soak into my pores and stay alive.
I know he used to write songs about me. Sitting in his damp, cluttered room, smelling of dirty sex and day old pizza. He never wrote for himself. In fact, he greatly lacked writting from his heart. He wrote with his brain. Which is a shame, because he wrote what I wanted to hear. He was too blunt, too ovbious, and I noticed. He wrote in moments of anxiety. He wrote just words. Without meaning. They never moved me. It always upset me how these beautiful words soaked right through my body and disapeared into the back of my mind.
I put my glasses on my head, out of my eyes. They make my vision weaker. Suppose to make it stronger but its just a disguise. Make me look like somebody else. Your looking into a blurry vision of what i see. Without my glasses, do you see what i'm looking at? Of course not. Because I'm not even looking at anything at all. It's weird that way, eh? Having eyes, but not seeing. Or maybe I can see and choose not to. But why would anyone want to miss seeing what this world has to offer? Personally life has too many drama queens, media crazed persons, we all buy into images and names. The killings are nothing less than horrifing. I can't sleep anymore. I cant stay awake anymore. Im loosing my sanity. Maybe I'm being over dramatic. But that's kind of just how I am. Overdramatic in a weak way. I see everything but I find it so hard to remeber the good. What once made me happy are the things that bring me to tears every time i open my eyes.
She died months ago. The most beautiful girl this world has ever seen. She was what everyone wanted to be. She had the heart of heaven. She always forgave, always loved, always shared. Everyone that has known her at a point in time, holds her in their eyes. A girl like that doesnt walk out of your life without shattering everything left in you. I just miss you so much. I just wish I could see you one more time and tell you that this world will always love you and that you were nothing less than perfect. Your gone and that's scary because its hard to believe days pass without you. You made life worth living for.
Part 1 of Ashlyn's Thoughts.
Posted at 08:57 pm by luvmecrazy
Permalink
Sep 12, 2004
Close to you - The Cranberries
I like to think
I'm the best.
I'm the queen.
But then I dont.
I get mad.
I get weak.
Just like you.
Posted at 08:51 pm by luvmecrazy
Permalink
Sep 8, 2004
There are a million things
Running,
Through my mind.
There are a million things That I should have
Said,
Through my mouth.
As i sit and watch the clock tick
just past seven,
I know you didnt call.
Like you said you'd do.
There are million things I'm
Feeling,
Through my heart.
There are a million shattered pieces
There.
In my tears.
Million things-Ashlyn
Posted at 10:01 pm by luvmecrazy
Permalink
Younger years ago
I always was the
First
To tease you.
I never really liked you.
The way you
Loved all my friends.
The way they fell so hard
The way you watched them fall.
At the time, It was just fun.
I always stayed with you.
Never grading you
By your dreams or realities.
When those tears feel
I was there,
Though you never came to me.
You knew i was always there.
Those couple some years,
Weeks spent
Laughing and loving.
I still remeber
The first days we were
together,
not even friends.
I still waited.
It's been some years to date
covering the years we grew.
Where teasing became friendship
It's hard to say
How easy it is for me to still
Care for you.
As a friend. As my family.
You're a man of many dreams,
A man too afriad to fall in love
But never short of loving.
A man that puts my eyes to
tears
when i have to see..
you,
My friend. My family.
hurt.
I'm walking beside you forever more.
Walk to heaven with me,
My friend. My family.
Posted at 12:46 am by luvmecrazy
Permalink
Aug 31, 2004
Reasons why a person can't fall asleep:
* Sickness
* Thoughts
* Noise
* Smell
* Uncomfortable
* Cold
* Hot
* Wet
* Itchy
Now, Right now im sitting here at my computer. I'm cold, and so im wrapped up in a brand new blanket, So new that it still has a box shape to it. Sad, the use of daily house hold objects. Either purchased and used till they dissapear or left to gather dust under a rickety old staircase. As im sitting here I'm watching the clock change.. starting at 12:45am. By now, I should be sound asleep, preparing for the adventures tomorrow holds, But I'm not.
Things that normally help people fall back asleep:
* Warm milk
* Hot water bottle
* Taking off a layer of clothing, or putting a layer of clothing on
* Opening a window
* Throwing cold or warm water on your face
* Taking deep breaths
How come these things arent helping me tonight? I'm dying for just one solid hour of pure sleep, But I cant have it. My eyes open, i adjust my body, Close my eyes, Kick, Get frustrated, turn on the tv, turn away from the tv, turn off the tv, adjust my body, close my eyes, My eyes open. I guess you could say I'm a walking dream and my dream is the pony ride at the carnival, going round and round. I can't get off becasue the ride isnt over yet and I'm too short to reach the ground and jump. Round, round i go, till the ride decides to stop.
Loving Inches,
Ashlyn.
Posted at 02:52 am by luvmecrazy
Permalink
Aug 30, 2004
Tegan And Sara - Divided
Go downtown to catch the early movie
The shows are cheaper there and they don't mind if you put your feet up
She's out on the highway
She's got a homemade sign it says
"Go ahead try to figure out what my future looks like"
I don't want to live my life like a story
always Thinkin I could've been something
Don't run along side and control me
Just film away and let me be
At ease, I feel fine
I'll move on, I'll go on
There's something so divided
Don't worry about me I'll be fine
Don't live your life for me or for anyone
Live your life as if you're one
Live your life as if you're one
And find quiet, it's awful quiet
How can you be mad we just got started?
I want to shave my head and lie in bed all day long
How can you be mad we just got started?
Live your life as if you're one
At ease I, I feel fine
I'll go on, I'll move on
Don't to live your life like a movie
Always thinkin you could've been something
Dont live your life for me or for anyone
you live your life as if your one
Find quiet it's awful quiet
Posted at 06:05 pm by luvmecrazy
Permalink
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